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About the author…

Oh about me… ugh where to begin. If you are finding yourself reading all this I truly believe that God and Spirit have lead you here. For those of you who don’t know anything about me, lets begin there.  My life changed around the age of 30.  I went from smiling thinking I knew what the next day was to bring, to crying all day and night, trying to figure out how I was to become a single mom with no job, money or place to go after an intense divorce.  I found myself stuck in a cycle of doubt, shame, fear and an immense amount of crying. 

My life felt upside down, well hell, it was.  I had no job, I was a single mom for the first time and had to figure out how to keep my head up during what life was throwing at me.  Was I lost yes, was I scared yes, was I confident it would get better, NO. I had absolutely no trust at that moment.  My life was falling apart, my family didn’t live close, I was frozen in my bed while my kids were at school begging for my mom to come and help me.

See, I lost my mom at the age of 6; she passed within 3 days of being diagnosed with the big “C”.   My last remembrance of her was seeing her red hair from her hospital door as the doctor closed it, while I sat eating vanilla ice cream and peanut butter cookies in the nurses’ station. I never got to tell her I loved her one more time, I never got to see her one last time, our final ‘bye mommy’ was as her and my dad were dropping me off for dance class as my dad took her to the hospital.  My life ended then for the first time.

As I screamed out for her to come and make this all better, I felt so discouraged, because my whole life growing up I tried to push her out of my mind once she had passed, because all I knew was to not think about her, so that I didn’t cry; that when all the other girls were making mothers day cards or having sleepovers with cookies and homemade crafts, that I could get through it, again by not thinking about it.

Once I found myself falling from what felt like heaven to hell in a matter of days, the only one I could think of was her, she was the closest one to heaven, she could save me right?  In that moment I prayed harder than I ever had, I cried yelling at her because all I needed, all I wanted was her to hug me and tell me it was going to be okay. I just wanted to her to tell me ‘we’ would get through this together and that she had faith in me, that I was strong enough to pick myself up and keep moving forward.  

In all this my life changed, that connection I felt in that moment and from those moments on lead me to finding my gifts on an unexpected journey, leading me to helping those who were/are missing their loved ones the same. Helping others to feel those hugs, messages and the love from above wrapping them in that heavenly light.

Trust is everything to me now, that my mom is with me, she helped me to reconnect with my faith, just knowing without a shadow of a doubt that she’s with me and many others I have lost… That if I believe in me and Spirit, they will believe in me. When I’m feeling like I can’t and I give 50% they will give the other 50%. If you are to learn anything from this blog, is that God/The Divine/Spirit and your loved ones on Spirit side, ALL have your back!

I’ve always enjoyed sharing my story, my journey. I feel that in sharing it can help someone else to see that with all roads traveled there is still a light at the end of each tunnel we must pass through.  This is just a small snippet of my story; I can tell you there are many others that I will share along the way. Being a medium isn’t always roses and butterflies and over time I will share some stories as well.  

What I will say for now is, I’m not a perfect writer, actually I’m dyslexic, so if you see errors feel free to message me with an edited version of my articles as long as your editing fee. I’m totally kidding but bare with me, as I write, so does spirit, we tend to come together in these moments and sometimes we type faster than our minds or slower than our thoughts actually come, it’s a fun time. 

My dyslexia at a younger age made me shy away from writing, but it’s in my blood, it’s in my soul. In the end it will be a fun, sometimes confusing journey while we both try and decipher what my mind and spirit brain are trying to convey.  We can do this, right? I have to trust this process and you have to trust that you are here for a reason. Thank you in advance for your support and joining me on this new journey! We will see what comes from it and with it! To many crazy stories, motivational times, tearful times and times of me just being J.Marie. So much love to each one of you who read this.

IT ALL STARTED WHEN…

you came to learn, that when life takes you on the occasional rollercoaster of twists and turns, that you can prevail forward, even with a little motion sickness from time to time. When you think your life is slow and steady and you have it all together, is when you can almost expect some curve ball to come flying in waiting for you to catch a flying ball out of midair with your bare hand. 

It’s going to hurt and sting sometimes, it’s about getting back up and trying again and maybe, just maybe buy a glove just for safekeeping. You know the angles that my life has taken over the countless years I’ve been here on earth have really lead me to some deep soul searching and truly understanding why it’s all happened the way it has.

Even when I felt there was a dark corner ahead I knew that it would lead me to the light at some point. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. With all that though, I not only had to trust myself, but I had to trust that God, my loved ones and the angels had my back. We are not placed anywhere that we can’t get out of, but it starts with us believing in not only ourselves, but trusting the outcome, whatever that may be.

If we feel we are stuck we will stay stuck. If we believe we are stronger than anything life throws as us, wel begin to feel those muscles emerge, not from your biceps or triceps, but from your heart , your mind, your soul.

Lets take a journey to learn how to believe in the power of you, lets take these twists and turns and begin to trust the road that is given while learning that taking a few back roads and detours are part of the fun! This journey is never alone, I can promise that, but sometimes when we feel the most alone it’s because we’ve not truly made friends with ourselves. Lets find the love that we have within and begin a new journey forward!

Beginning with you…

What do you love about yourself? We tend to look in the mirror and question who we are, why we are here and why does my butt or my gut look the way it does. Do you take the time to connect with your soul, do you ever evaluate it for it’s creases, wrinkles, or uncharted damage that has been done over countless years or the neglect?

We tend to focus so much on the exterior that we tend to forget that its a vessel to carry around all the important stuff inside, that the soul and energy centers within play a huge part in keeping us functioning at a higher vibration and speed. On those days we are feeling weak, more lethargic, we again tend to only focus on noticing the bags under your eyes rather than trying to figure out if we’ve picked up on someone else’s energy and now have a energetic clinger, or if we have been neglecting our refueling of our own energy from giving too much. 

There are more reasons than, “I just didn’t sleep well”. The physical world is so high strung on the external that they don’t teach us how we need to search within and heal to keep going. Being a single mom, business owner, etc. I know how important it is to need sleep, we need peace and we need to look good too, but what really is a nice dress or make-up covering when inside we feel as though we are unbalanced and misplaced.

By misplaced feeling as though we don’t truly know who we are anymore. When have you ever looked at your significant other, family member or friend and just said, “Man I really need to figure out what is going on inside, maybe it’s my soul". Not many of us do, because we don't know what is really going on. We just bypass these things because at this point in life it feels normal. We get so complacent on just taking the hurt rather than healing is because again it’s like, oh well. 

Do you know how refreshing it is to speak freely now? I waited most of my life to find the freedom to say that I don’t always know what is going on but I bet its something rom my past or present that is telling me to work on clearing it so I can look forward and see the positive changes. As most of you that have met me know this, and I thank you for still being my friend. Sometimes you have to just say those friends or family members that you ‘just can’t’ today. Meaning speaking, sharing time, nothing. It’s ok to just feel like you can’t anything sometimes.

I do truly believe that when we are off balanced, all those around us begin to be too. See it’s all an exchange of energy. Take time for you, be selfish and fill yourself, your soul first and everyone else comes second. It’s ok to not have an answer; a reason or an excuse so quit trying to make them. Honor where your soul is that day, week, month or year. 

QUIT focusing on the outside and work from the inside out! It’s the ONLY thing you can do for you to get you going on this spiritual journey differently. You can’t mask the outside no matter how hard you try. I live, breath, eat and practice Spirit on a day-to-day, am I perfect NO. Do I too look at myself and question some of my own outward appearance; of course I’m still human. 

When I begin that I always look at my eyes. I stare right in to them in the mirror. I notice they are blue or green, depending upon the day, I then look to see if they are red, or whether the skin around them looks dry, but then I truly connect with them. I ask myself are they sad, are they lonely, are they excited, are they… the list goes on. It’s about making an emotional association with them. Because you see when you do this, you tend to find the hidden emotion that is trapped, because you can’t lie to yourself when you’re looking in your eyes. 

You can feel it when you speak it. Sometimes you begin to feel that emotion emerge, do not block it. Learn to connect with yourself! When you do, the world begins to look brighter. You begin to heal those deeper wounds that were hidden; you know those ones that you pushed down hoping to never see again. You learn to notice if what you’re experiencing is yours or someone else’ and you begin to heal! 

You got this! Take a moment to find the things you love about you while looking in the mirror. Wrap your arms around yourself and give a big squeeze and begin to heal within the body with catch up! You are like a candle and the light is shining inside in the deep middle, the outside will begin to glow. You can only get brighter from here! 

Ugh Anxiety

Anxiety often feels like you’ve just walked in to a brick wall and feel as though all the air has been taken from your lungs. You often feel like you’re about to die, the world outside seems off and you feel as though there will never be an end. As you struggle through not only trying to figure out what the culprit was, you often begin to question your own sanity, trying to understand why you can’t get it together and keep control over it.  It drives you to question what you’ve done wrong, why me, or what can I do? I’ve struggled with the “Big A” for years, I’ve had many more good days than bad days for awhile now, I kicked its ass and showed it who’s boss, ha, I kid. I wish that were the case, but really I did beat it once, twice, three hundred thousand times.  But there are those times that it comes back, and that’s ok too.

I say I beat it because if you can wake up and do this thing we all life better than we did the day before, you are beating it. Could we say that anxiety is a little codependent, why yes, yes we can. Its like when you meet someone that touches your heart, you never forget them, there will always be those things that trigger the remembrance of someone or something, that’s the same with anxiety. Even when we think it’s over and we think we’ve forgotten all the bad, something so small can trigger the nervous system to recall and causes our body to react. 

It sucks though, like it really sucks when you have those moments of feeling stuck, you feel like no one understands what you’re going through, or that you’re making it up… I understand, Spirit understands, you’re not alone. I can’t tell you how many times when I was in either an anxiety fit or panic attack (and yes there is a difference) that I would lay there crying begging for God and Spirit to help, while yelling at myself to snap out of it. It’s not always something you can just “snap” out of it and that’s ok!  It’s ok to just need to cry or scream, or just be. There is no right or wrong way of handling your anxiety. Just be, quit trying to force yourself out of it, it has to happen naturally.  

I’ve taken a new approach on anxiety and have begun to see I just needed a moment; I needed to take a few breaths and just be. Its a moment to just feel everything that you’re trying to mask, its a time to reflect on what’s really blocked in your heart or what is it that you’ve not healed yet. The body doesn't just freak out for no reason, I mean we all can have those Spiritual moments where we are more sensory to spirit energy and it can cause us to feel things that don’t necessarily belong to us. However more times that most its our own inner healing that is needing someone to shed light and attention, throwing us a bone to fetch and get to working on it. 

Use these moments of panic and fear and know that they will not last forever. Take that inner power and connect, dig deep, the only way to get out of constantly living in a revolving door is to step out of the way. Take yourself out of it and allow your soul to speak. What is it you’re missing, wishing, lacking, loving, etc.  It’s not always the bad things that cause anxiety, there are times when the good things do as well, but again it’s because they are triggering something from our past. 

Take care of yourself, take time, and just know this will not last forever. So must the weather and the season’s change so must you. As you grow and own your power, no one will be able to take it away, not even your mind! Give yourself a hug too, remind yourself that even though you’re feeling disconnected and feeling like you’re never going to feel like you again, you will, I promise! Remind yourself to give love to your soul, honor where you are and know… tomorrow is a new day!  Get up and try again, you got this! 

Goodbye 2018

As the year has come to a close and a new one is upon us, so must we take time to reflect back. I can say that as for me that 2018 was, well, a year. I feel that we can find the positive in anything if we look hard enough, however, sometimes it’s just easier to say “Thank goodness it’s over” as we celebrate the endings and seeing them as new room for growth.

As most of us experienced a rollercoaster of crazy with twists and turns, feeling as though you were going to be catapulted out at any given second, while others stayed steadily rocking back and forth on a boat while staying afloat. What can I say, you survived! In all seriousness though, 2018 was tough, it seemed that everything we once thought was sound and solid, had cracks throughout. It showed us that we were to let go of the things that were no longer serving us. The cracks had been there all along, in many areas of our lives, but we had been holding things together for some time, heck even somethings had broken and been glued back together, but 2018 reminded us that it was time for a change.

Healing was a huge part of all of this as well. The energy of 2018 was pushing all of us to heal from the wounds of our past. It was all about facing pain, fears, and those things that we had shoved down a long time ago. You know those times when you’ve said “I’m fine” and just kept moving, well those left some boxes left unpacked in your heart. For the last several years we’ve just kept moving, the momentum of the years were to propel us forward, but all that tends to do, is mask what we aren’t ready to face and as you saw 2018 made sure to remind you, it was time.

For myself, I felt I had let myself down, my kiddos at times, as well as some of my clients. We are only human and with that comes human experiences. No matter how much I would’ve liked to believe that my spiritual side could fix everything, it couldn’t. I experienced extreme heartbreak, I found myself becoming a single mom, being diagnosed with Auto -Immune issues, while learning to juggle life differently. There were many days this past year where I had to take time for me, to make sure that not only was I physically ok, but mentally and spiritually, as we all should do! But more so, I found myself confused and lost a few time, praying and truly calling on my Spirit team.

We can not be of service to ANYONE unless we are are whole and of service to SELF first. It was a trying year and it seems that we we were all going through so much, but we also had to take time for ourselves and learning how to be in love with our self first and foremost. It takes time to truly enjoy being alone, loving your own heart, mind, body and soul. It’s not always easy to do that and I know for myself, it was a challenge some days. I know from stories I had heard throughout this year from others, my story was not quite like others, I surely was counting my blessings and sending prayers to many.

What I learned from this year more than anything was to trust myself! I had always trusted the Spirit side, but this time it was for me to look in the mirror. I feel that everyone should always look at their struggles and changes as true blessings. That something bigger and better is coming and 2019 has plenty of room for it. Not only did I trust myself but it continued to add to the trust that I have with my Spirit Team. It reminded me that yes, we are go through things, yes they hurt like hell sometimes, but we are bigger than anything that life throws at us. I learned to love ‘me’ in a different way, how to speak to my heart and soul more clearly and even more, how to heal all aspects of me.

There were periods I reflected questioning why everyone was feeling so much pain, why there were so many struggles in so many lives. What I gained from that, was that, we needed to believe in something bigger than ourselves. So many forget to pray when things get tough, I know we have all had those periods in life. I can say prayer was everything to me, it was my morning, my afternoon, my evening. It was my place of peace and love throughout many months of 2018. God sometimes has to take things, make changes, move some furniture in our life, to remind us to lean on him when we are scared, worried, or alone. That he’s making a way for us, he’s going to do it, but he’s going to do it for our highest good.

2018 is now gone, 2019 is here. While we sometimes come in with remnants of the past we must remember to leave it at the door. If it left you once, you leave it there, if it hurt you once, remember it can hurt again. Heal you, before you heal the situation, this allowing you to view it with clear eyes, a clear mind and a more fulfilled heart. You deserve something whole, something permanent, not something temporary. View if for what the future holds, not what it can do for only the moment. Love yourself and fill voids with substance, with dreams, with goals. Let 2019 bring you blessings, love and happiness. If you are present for you, the rest with follow. Let this be your year, I know I am!

The Epidemic

Where do I even begin…

I watch moms walk in my office day after day. Some walking in with their heads held high and others barely able to drag their feet across the carpet as they enter my office, trying to still wrap their heads around that they have lost their child and are still trying to make sense of reality. To count how many have walked through my doors after losing a child to drugs is… something I don’t even want to do. To recount how many moms have cried each night since their child left, questioning whether they were in heaven or hell, because of their choices… again something I can’t even begin to do, the numbers are a lot. 

Can you imagine questioning if your child was even at peace due to their choices and where they would spend eternity? Being a mom myself, my heart aches each time they enter because it’s as if you can feel their broken heart before you even open the door to see their face, their longing to connect with that same child that they were able to keep them safe for 9 months, that as they entered this world they checked on them each minute of every day to make sure they were breathing, safe, healthy and happy. Always making sure that their food was cut up small enough to keep them safe while eating, brushing off the dirt on their skinned knee, kissing it and placing a band-aid on it, hugging them while they cry after their first broken heart. That the minute I see their face, feel their energy, or even more the times that I walk out and see their saddened child on spirit side, sitting closely next to them waiting… their heart is broken, broken in to a million pieces.

Most children begin with “Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother…"I’m sorry.” It’s my first indication that they made bad choices that lead them to where they are. Second, they begin to speak of all their struggles, and how much pain their parent(s) or sibling(s) suffered even when they were alive, due to their choices or lack there of change(s) in their life. How those that loved them tried to save them, tried to love them more than they loved themselves at times, that there were so many points where they were clean/sober, but truly couldn't figure out how to handle the reality of life.

As I sit, recounting the moments that lead up to them being found, being pronounced deceased, as mother(s)/father(s) beg to know if they could’ve saved their son or daughter, the anguish of regret, or remorse that the child tries to convey. Trying to convince their parent or sibling that it wasn’t their fault. The moments of trying to erase the memory of their lifeless body being found, more times than most, by one of the parents is heartbreaking. The choices that are made in the final moment of ones life, is the defining factor for some. Did an argument lead them to use again, how did months of sobriety get thrown out the window, did me asking too many questions drive them over the edge, did I love them too much, or did me cutting them off cause this? 

The amount of questions that parents ask, trying to make not only sense of it, but to find a “reason” are countless. Most moms especially feel that there was something they “should’ve” been able to do… Being a mom we feel we are to keep them safe, that it’s our job that God granted us this time to bring this amazing little human in to this world that we are responsible for everything, but we aren’t. When it comes to our children, we are to love them and try our best to help them in life. Teaching them right from wrong, manners, how to be self sufficient, how to love others, etc. However, children come in to this world with their own soul contract, as do we. We are to be there, to help to give them the tools that they need, but they have their own karma and own paths to walk.

Your child did not leave you to punish you; he or she had to leave because God called them home. The choices they make were not to punish you, even though I know it may feel that way, they too have healing to do, growth to achieve and how to love themselves differently now that the pain has stopped. You know I have seen kids who had it all and kids who had nothing all face the same struggle with addiction. I have seen some who beat it for years and relapse and I have seen some who struggled their whole life and never had a clean day, both of which in the end the drugs won. 

I have heard kids crying on heavens side because they wished they would’ve listened, ones who wish they could make their mom or dad smile again because they truly didn’t know the effect this would have and ultimately did not purposefully leave this earth. I have had parents walk in that desperately want to end it all just to be with their child again because to them there is no way they can live without them. I have others who walk in and just want to make sure that their child knows they love them now and loved them then and want nothing more than to grow the connection with their child on Spirit side. 

I’ve not only watched my clients suffer, but unfortunately have watched my Aunt and Uncle not only lose one child, but two to this epidemic, I know how the heart holds on to every last memory and moment, the real struggle is to make sense of it all. Watching nieces, nephews and younger cousins make sense of what an overdose is. Trying to not keep things a secret, but in hopes to use it as a learning tool of what not to do, while remembering their memory before drugs took over in their life.

I’ve had recovering addicts come in wanting to understand why God chose to save them and not their buddies, what their purpose on this earth is now that they have this second chance. I have had those still addicted coming in praying and hoping that with some guidance they can change, that life can get better from here. On both spectrums, both types of parties are trying to understand, “why them.” When someone is addicted or in recovery there is always a question of what tomorrow brings. We are as strong as we are each morning we wake and each night we go to sleep, tomorrow different factors may play in to their psyche, it may play on their emotions, etc. 

There is no right or wrong. There is no this person or that person… There are NO determining factors of who this takes over. It’s an epidemic, there are so many kids dying or those struggling to survive sobriety. The one thing I hear a lot from parents is, they feel that they failed at being a parent. YOU DID NOT FAIL! You did the best you could with what struggles, trials and tribulations you were given. You loved your child to the extent that they would allow you, you tried with all your heart to love your child and keep them as safe as you could. You were the best you could be and without a doubt even when your child may have not said it, you were their safe place when they needed it, when they couldn’t find their way out of the darkness.

Unfortunately we cannot erase sections of our lives that we wish wouldn’t have happened or wished would’ve ended differently. What we can do is hold on and cherish those moments and memories that make our hearts smile, that make us laugh and remind us of the good times. Your child didn’t intentionally choose to leave you. Their struggle was so much more, it was an illusion that they were trying to hide from, reality that they couldn’t grasp, that to them hiding in their mind was all they knew. Addiction is so much more than on the surface; there is a lack of self-love, self-confidence, acceptance, belonging, internal pain, emotional instability, etc. 

To all of you parents who have suffered the loss of your child, from my heart to yours, I am sorry your heart hurts. I am sorry you miss those moments you used to have, that you still have moments of feeling ok and moments of sadness. Grief comes in waves; honor each and every wave as it comes. Never for a second question that your child didn't love you, know that with every beat of their Spirit they are with you, looking over you and loving you. Know that with every breath you speak their name and every thought you send their way, they hear it, they feel it and know that they send it right back to you with open arms. 

I pray laws are changed; that there becomes more help for those who need it to beat this epidemic. I do truly believe that those who lost their battle help those that are still facing their darkness on a day-to-day basis here on earth. That there is a place in heaven where these beautiful children go to not only help others, but a place that they finally feel whole. That they get to feel what it’s like to have love in their heart, a connection in their soul and for their Spirit to truly be happy. My prayers to each and every one of you who has lost your child, to those who have not, and those who are watching their child(ren) struggle still today, remember to hug each them a little tighter today. Love to you all